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September 14, 2019

Once again

So sorry to be absent once again, my friends.

To be honest, this has been an extremely hard year for me.

First, I'm really starting to feel my age of 62. I just can't do everything I used to, even up to last year. Gardening is way harder. Holding my youngest grandson Aero – who at 17 months old weighs like a ton! – is harder. Walking any great distance is harder. Just thinking is harder.

Oiy.

Then, there's everything that goes on with Jerry's medical stuff. Those six hospital stays back during the first four months of this year, and his two surgeries for kidney stones, now bringing the total amount of surgeries he's had for one thing or another since 2008 to a whopping 18! And now his memory problems are really kicking in . . . both sides of his family are riddled with Alzheimer's disease, so he's screwed either way. His dad needs to be in the nursing home with his [step]mom, but refuses to give up. And now I'm dealing with Jerry's mind. Right now he's sick with a really bad head and chest cold, so I know it will be hitting me soon, too. I spent most of last winter sick with bronchitis, strep, and pneumonia because I have no insurance on myself for medications and such.

Annnnnnnnd....

For some reason, grief has a choke-hold on me this year. My [step]mom died February 2012 . . . my dad died six months later in August 2012 . . .my oldest son Jeff died in November 2013 . . . my best-friend Patti died a few days after Thanksgiving in 2017 . . . one of my son's best-friends, Jason, died in 2018.

Jeff's death day is looming as November gets closer.

I find it hard to focus at times right now.

Bleah.

I have to keep organized for doctor appointments [his and mine], which are every couple months, or sooner depending on how things are going. And handle all his medical bills, our basic bills, groceries . . . and make sure our car keeps going inspite of mechanical problems we can't afford to get fixed . . . etc.

I have to stay on top of the badge work/lesson plans for my two Pioneer/Patriot unit girls and also be working with granddaughter Kara on her unit's work [AHG].

I have to make sure granddaughters Kara and Madison get to do volunteer work at the animal shelter with me.

As a blog friend said on his website, "The hardest thing about being a Christian is that God can sometimes feel so far away."

I told the doctor at my appointment this month that sometimes all I can manage to do is sit with a blank mind.

And pray, of course.

That's the biggest thing for me.

Prayer.

So if I'm absent for several days, just hold on. I'll be back.

18 comments:

  1. Diana,I think you saying that this past year was a hard year is definitely an understatement! You've had to ( and continue to have to) cope with so much grief and troubles that you deserve a gold star just for having coped. Keep on praying and leaning on the Lord ( even if He seems far away). ((hugs)) GM

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    1. Aw, thank you, GM. Your words mean so much to me . . . I appreciate your friendship! And I will certainly keep leaning on the Lord for His strength! ♥

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  2. Oh Diana, I'm so sorry to hear that this year has been hard and not seeming to get any better. You definitely have a lot on your plate and it may seem trite to say it, but the Lord is there. He does hear you even when He seems far away. I lost my Mom and Dad within days of each other when I was 29. I kept on keeping on because I had three little kids at home and a home daycare to handle. But...I remember nothing for several years after that. I think I was on auto-pilot, just doing what needed doing next. But I definitely had a blank mind. I will add you to my daily prayer list and I hope you feel His arms around you my friend.
    I'm also glad that you're using the dishcloth. Let me know if you need more. :-)
    Blessings,
    Betsy

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    1. I sure understand the "auto-pilot!" I believe that and being profoundly stunned by my son's death is the only way I kept going . . . that and doing for my family to keep them living through each day. Thank you so much for your words and prayers! You know I hold you up to the Lord each day also! ♥

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  3. I am so sorry that you are starting to feel that life is getting harder. I suppose that is just what we have to face if we live a long life. I just celebrated my 74 birthday and I've decided that my garden is going to make some changes next year. Less planting and smarter weed control. I guess that will give me all winter to research some ideas :)
    Eighteen surgeries, my heart goes out to you both and prayers as well.
    Please know that your prayers are greatly appreciated . . . there is no better way to love one another than through prayer and we certainly feel the love. I had never tried blueberries before either, but I had some in the refrigerator, so I thought that I should give it a go. My Steve loved the blueberry zucchini bread.
    Connie

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    1. I'm thinking on how to handle the gardens at each of my kids' places next year. For one, they will need to start doing more of it themselves, LOL! I'm amazed at your go get 'em at 74 – yay for you, Connie! I mean that! I guess I just feel worn down by life sometimes, and maybe just more this year. I know it will pass with the Lord's help and guidance. Heaping prayers for you guys always! ♥

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  4. Hang in there! You have had a tough time of it. Dwell on the positive...I know that is really hard. Praying for you and your husband:(

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    1. Thank you so much for your words – we appreciate your friendship so much! Yes, getting knocked down by life is hard... I just need to make myself get back up! Hugs! ♥

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  5. Hugs to you, I know what that harried feeling. I am so sorry about all your loses...I have been crying myself from getting bouts of the blues...I do pray about it too. I have had a bad year also. I think stress can drain our energy, for I seem to have less too. My patience gets tried way too much. LOL. Blessings to you,xoxo, Susie

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    1. Susie, I've added you to my prayer list and will be bending God's ear on your behalf. My family thinks of me as one of the most patient people around... if only they knew, lol. Yep, stress is truly a drain on our energies. Hugs and blessings right back atcha! ♥

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  6. This has been a bad year for me, health-wise, and it is still unsolved. But it's just me and Annie curled up next to me. I would have been lost without my son and DIL. Family can be a lifeline but I worry about being the burden, you know? You have been such a blessing for your hubby. Praying the best for you both. Sounds like you need a break!

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    1. We're keeping you in prayer about your health, Rita. It sure can be hard when a solid diagnosis just can't be found. I understand the being a burden to family... it worries me for the future. For now I concentrate on me and Jerry. Hugs and blessings! ♥

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  7. I am so sorry that you have had so many losses. You are doing remarkably well all things considered, but I do hope that you catch a break very soon. ((hugs))

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    1. I'm waiting for that break... *looks at watch* ...lol. It'll show up in it's own time. Hugs and blessings, Debi! ♥

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  8. I am so sorry for the grief and struggles. It's very exhausting to be a care-giver, and exhaustion impacts all of our life, even our ability to pray. Remember that God honours what we wish we could do or try to do, even if we don't have the strength and if you are sitting to pray and no words come, just sit with God and be there with Him. He is full of loving-kindness and cares about your sufferings and your family! God bless you dear one! Sorry I could not comment easier, busy with family visits! God bless!

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    1. Elizabeth, you hit it right on the head! There are times when, even though I got on my knees to pray, the words just did not come. I couldn't focus enough to start. All I was able to do was sit on the floor, leaning on the bed, in God's presence. He knows what we need without us saying anything. Thank you for your loving words, friend! Hugs and blessings! ♥

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  9. Dear Diana, You have my prayers! You have gotten some really sweet advice, words of wisdom and much needed encouragement. I know Nov. will be hard and I will be steadfast in prayer for you and Jerry.
    Peace ♥

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    1. Oh Christine, your words mean so much also. Jerry and I thank you for the prayers! Hugs and blessings! ♥

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